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Title:      Never Say Velvet
Rating:     PG-13
              "Fuck you, MPAA" -- Cartman
Type:       parody
Pairing:    K/S
Author:     Hypatia Kosh
Summary:    Poor Captain Kirk. That legion of K/S scribblers loves to 
dress him up.
Disclaimer: Please don't confuse me with the Writer in this story, 'cuz I 
don't talk like that.

Never Say Velvet
A Parody in One Act

CAST

KIRK     a starship Captain
SPOCK    his loyal first officer 
WRITER   a mad woman typing away on the family computer. Doubtless 
Hawthorne would have disapproved. (Like _The Marble Faun_ was really all 
that great. I've read better slash).

PROPS

A hideous SHIRT


Actus Solus
Scaena Sola

We begin our scene in the middle of a K/S story. If it sounds familiar, 
maybe it is . . .

     *Spock's heart skipped a beat when he finally caught sight of Jim. He 
had exchanged his uniform for civilian clothes which made him appear 
nothing less than stunning. Jim was wearing silk trousers in a dark 
russett, which hugged his hips in all the right places, and an open-necked 
velvet blouse, which matched in color the deep gold of his*

KIRK: Aaagh! What is this?
     <Rips off the SHIRT and dangles it from his fingers. He holds it at 
armslength and inspects it as if it might bite at any moment.>

WRITER: What are you doing?

KIRK: <recovering> Giving you the what for! I'm not wearing *this*! It's 
so gay I can practically see the fucking chorus line!
     <He picks up the SHIRT, waves the arms like a puppet and, in the 
most derogatory way possible, mimics a Cher impersonator.>
     o/^ Do you beLIEVE in life after love? o/^

WRITER: I just thought I'd . . . dress you up.

KIRK: I think I can dress myself, thank you very much. <with a look of 
revulsion> *Velvet*.
     <He drops the SHIRT on the floor.>

WRITER: What's wrong with velvet?

KIRK: Look, I'm not a fucking fairy, okay? I already have a sexual 
persona and its butch. B. U. T. C. H. Butch.

SPOCK: I thought it suited you nicely.

KIRK: Did I ask you? I don't recall asking your opinion.

SPOCK: Put it on, cocksucker.

KIRK: Okay, that's it! Put up yer dukes, 'cause I've had it with this. 
     <He swings, only to have SPOCK spin him around and pin him to the 
wall.>
     Shit. Now I remember why I don't pick fights with you.

SPOCK: So you'll do as I ask?

KIRK: Like hell! 
     <He pushes against the wall trying to free himself.>

SPOCK: I think you will.
     <He leans his body into KIRK.>

KIRK: Ooh, you PERvert . . . you can't win this way you know . . . oh, no 
. . . I can feel my resolve melting, melting . . . oh, hell.
     <SPOCK lets him go, then picks up the SHIRT and hands it to KIRK. 
KIRK holds it with the tips of his fingers, looks at it disgustedly and 
shivers.>
     I could still refuse.

SPOCK: You could also sleep on the floor.

KIRK: Bastard. Get out of here while I put this . . . thing on. I'm sick 
of watching you gloat over my humiliation.

SPOCK: Get over yourself. Do you think I care about every detail of your 
boring little life?

KIRK: Then FUCK OFF already.

WRITER: Hey, boys, why don't you go back to what you were doing before, 
you know, pushed up against the wall. That was sooo sexy!

SPOCK: Who are you?

WRITER: Uh, nobody. Nobody! Don't mind me. Forget you saw me. Bye!

And so life goes on in the K/S world (Kee Esu no Sekai). Let's leave them 
to it.

                  THE END?

-------------

That's it. This was inspired by a trip to the thrift store . . . and 
several K/S authors who will remain nameless.

Feedback welcome.

-HK