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Title:    Sour News
Author:   Hypatia Kosh
Series:   TOS
Codes:    K/Grapefruit, K/S implied
Rating:   PG (I guess)
Archive:  yes
Disclaimer: whatever
Summary:  Kirk's fruit fetish is causing tension on the Enterprise. But 
          is Science Console-obsessed Spock really the one to intervene?
Thanks to: Farfalla, for coming up with the title. Thanks so much!


An artfully lit corner of the observation deck, artfully empty but for a 
figure in gold and his companion in blue. The lighting gives their velour 
shirts a luminous color, while their faces are cast in shadow.

SPOCK: Jim, it seems your affection for me has cooled, as of late.

KIRK:  . . .

SPOCK: Is there someone else? (swallows) You can tell me. (beat)
       (shouts)
       I just can't take this silence!
       (turns to Kirk)

KIRK:  (takes out an object, a sphere that fills his hand. He holds it up 
before him. To Spock's horrified eyes, he gently massages the puckered 
end of the grapefruit.)
       My love.

SPOCK: Have you finally gone mad? That's an inanimate object.

KIRK:  So is the Enterprise. I haven't noticed you treating her with any 
less care.

SPOCK: The Enterprise has nothing to do with this. 

KIRK:  Doesn't it?

SPOCK: (pursing his lips) It would be illogical to have feelings for the 
Enterprise.

KIRK:  Or any part of the Enterprise?

SPOCK: Indeed.

KIRK:  I rest my case. In the meantime, I think you underestimate my dear 
. . . Ruby. Juicy, succulent, sweet, but not too sweet. Ruby has depth. 
Depths you could never imagine.

SPOCK: (turns his back) Very well . . . I think this goes beyond a mere 
personal matter. (faces Kirk again) I have already spoken with Doctor 
McCoy. We have agreed that you should be sent to Starbase 42 for observation.

KIRK:  No! No, you can't do that! (clutches the grapefruit to his breast)

SPOCK: We must.

KIRK:  Don't you have any heart? Any humanity?

SPOCK: My feelings are immaterial! Let me ask you, Captain, when did you 
take leave of your senses? Is it stress? Have you tired of me? Just where 
were you on Stardate 4583.7 and who was that purple-haired character you 
were seen with later?

KIRK:  Alright, alright, I confess, it was a fruit dealer from Aldebaran 
7! Now, won't you let it go, Spock? I thought you might have some 
questions but I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!

THE CARDINAL AND HIS ENTOURAGE: Nuuuuuubody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

The End